Ding dong. Someone's on your porch, phone flashlight up, one hand already in the candy bowl — and then they read the mat. DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU. They will. Every single time. That's the whole point of a Damn Good Doormat: the porch does the jump scare so you don't have to.

Keep it under a covered porch and it's the outdoor coir door mat version — 8 sizes, from a scrappy little welcome mat outdoor entryways love to a full double-door slab, all eco friendly from sustainable fiber that actually holds its shape. Getting rained on, snowed on, or worse? Grab the all-weather fabric front mat with a recycled rubber non-slip backing version instead and hose off whatever's left of your last visitor. Either way it's a genuinely interesting door mat, not a beige rectangle, and it makes a hell of a gift for the neighbor who's already maxed out on pumpkins. 

Put it down, flip the porch light on, and let something else do the screaming this year. We invented the sarcastic doormat back in 2009 — everyone else just copied the homework. Still deciding on size? Ask Perogi, our very good chatbot pug, or check out How Do I Choose a Doormat? before you commit.